Lessons from FJ
Recently, I told y’all in my stories I wanna be more vocal about my dating escapades.
Social media sorta gets on my nerves because we share all of the brighter sides and not the shitty stuff. I can’t call myself true to my page or to you by only sharing my accolades and happy shiny shit.
Although, I have a lot of thoughts that belong and will stay in my journey. Here, I’ll share my dating take aways that I feel my community (you) can relate to.
My recent experience with a guy has shattered my heart into a space it needed to be in to expand. I say this as I roll my eyes hard, 1980’s style because grow can be tough.
My whole life, I haven’t always felt safe to share my Carebear Mere self with men emotionally. With all the healing retreats I’ve been on the past 5 years, I haven’t tapped into this ancient space.
I’ve prayed for my life partner earlier this year and when this man approached me with his love bomb, I thought this was it.
Instead of downplaying my experience and his actions, I’ll talk about the gems & thoughts I gained:
1. I realize that it’s important to express my intentions and ask for their intentions in the beginning. What are we doing buddy? At 41, I really don’t have patience and space to waste my energy. We both know what we want, so let’s be honest.
2. When someone says they are “healed” it’s a red flag. A lot of people go on one yoga retreat and automatically feel they have cleansed themselves from all things. Shit, I thought that before. I personally feel, we overuse the word healing on social media. “The work” towards releasing all the shit inside of you is a continuous release. Healing is a day to day, continuous experience. Not a time when you cried real hard & now you’re healed.
I wish humans understood where they are before engaging with someone romantically. It’s unfair to those who are wanting to learn and grow on their own and with someone.
Also, we do not need to be “healed” as we go into a relationship. The right person will accept you and all your things; giving you to space to unpack naturally & be there as your friend. We are not for everyone but we have our people out there.
3. I learned that I truly want a partnership now. I want my person to check up on me when I’m working late at the warehouse. To call me to make sure I made it home safe. Or if we live together, to rub my feet when I get home. I learned that quality time and words of affirmation mean a lot to me.
4. I found out how much emotional space I have available for my person. My lesson is that this isn’t for just for anyone. And that I need that space for me from him as well.
5. A lot of adults do not know whether they are emotionally intelligent or available. So to ask if they are, it may be like asking a mentally ill person if they are mentally ill. You may not get an factual answer. Take your time, you’ll find the answers.
6. Something REAL cooks like a stew. Time improves the taste. Do we want fast food or a home cooked stew?
7. Are you falling in love with their potential or the facts? Are they capable of providing what you need in a relationship? Let’s keep it a buck. A lot of us fall in love with the potential of a person and not what’s in front of you. This reality has saved me.
8. How does this person feel when you’re around them? Do you feel anxiety or calm. Remember, your first brain is your gut. It will sound off before anything. This person gave me anxiety 24/7 and I did not listen or honor what I knew.
9. I wished people were truly good people. I notice we want to share memes about being a good person but can we lay our heads down at night and truly say we were a good person to everyone you interacted with that day?
Now, we’re not responsible for misunderstandings etc. But I mean, can we say we did our best to treat everyone that day with your highest intentional self? My theory is this is all connected to our health. My life data has shown me, stuck energy like guilt, repressed sadness, shame….all sneaks up on your heart, and overall health. Please be a true good person…..even when no one is looking.
10. Finally, y’all stop ghosting people. Yep, I was love bombed and ghosted. I can attest that the internet has both helped and hindered dating for the past 10 years. Let’s be honorable adults and speak up when you’re not interested in the person you’re talking to.
I can say, I’ve ghosted people when I was in my 20’s. Recent years, I’ve let guys know when I’d wanna stop getting to know one another. Whether I got cussed out or it was amicable——my soul can sleep at night because of principle.
We all date people. So, I hope my sharing helps someone feel seen and not alone.
